This is Me

“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me”

- This is Me, The Greatest Showman

I love the version of this song when Keala and the crew performed it in a studio to get the green light from Fox Movie.

In the clip, we can see the transformation in Keala from a shy singer hiding behind the music stand to owning the performance with her fearlessness, raw emotion and energy. It was a performance that was hard to forget since I watched it.

Fast forward to 2019, when I saw this clip again, the notes still hit the deepest core of my heart and electrified my emotion. Tears washing down my face, I felt the same but... different.

I’ve created my own version of ‘This is Me’ by this time, and I realised that I have people around me instead of the lone warrior I used to be a year ago.

How do you know what you want in life?

When I exited from the company I co-founded and entered a blank page, I remembered telling my father’s friend over dinner that I was figuring out what to do and asked for his advice.

He laughed and said that he was not sure if he knew the answer in his 50s. Maybe, you’ll never know, he said.

I took it with a pinch of salt and thought maybe, he hasn’t tried hard enough to find his ‘purpose’.

It took time to live my own adventure to understand the law of nature — everything is ever changing; the end is always the beginning.

From time to time, I hit the milestone in the journey of ‘becoming me’; from time to time, I struggle to figure out what’s next in life.

What I want, I realized, is a moving target that changes as I become a different person at a different milestone.

The map

I remembered a moment during the recent new year celebration when I was swirling a wine glass, staring into the movement of red wine, suddenly engulfed by a sense of sorrow.

Why can’t I be like everybody else? Why can’t I wish for more bonus and more prosperity during Loushang? Why do I have to figure out life every step of the way?

If the universe has a bigger mission for me, why can’t it be more straight forward?

Taking a leap in the unknown feels exhausting at times, I got bruised in the process, and I still wonder if I have the answer, if I’m on the right track.

When I traced my footstep in the past 2 years, it was a labyrinth of paths that have formed a map or sort. The beauty of this map is not in its complication, but the process of laying down each path without knowing where it leads and connecting them in the end.

Be present

I believe in the saying that how we live in this moment will decide our next moment.

Sometimes, the fear of not amounting to anything daunts on me; sometimes, the eerie feeling of free-falling in life comes back to me. But hey, it’s such a great blessing to be alive right now, being able to turn my thoughts into words.

I’ve had a great share of ‘lostness’ to appreciate that It is always in the midst of internal conflicts and uncertainties that I remind myself to go back to the heart, back to trust, back to surrender.

I will always hold on to what a dear teacher said in a meditation course: “go out and help people, you will not feel lost”.

All of us have the same destination in life — death. Perhaps, the meaning of life lies in each decision we make along the bumpy way to attain inner peace regardless of what’s outside — to create, to serve, to love.

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