I hugged him tightly, feeling the warmth and familiarity of his embrace.
Many happy moments with him flushed into my mind — the times we trekked, we walked hand in hand on the street, we chilled together in a new hotel, we laughed together at little things…
Warm tears streamed down my face like a water hose, I was screaming hard in my heart, ‘sorry babe, I love you!’. But I was so broken that I couldn’t speak.
I felt a tsunami of love and guilt happening inside me while struggling to make sense of the emotions, like a drowned man fighting for air.
An hour earlier
I told him that the look he gave me about a decision I made hurt me badly. Other people heard me out but he never tried to understand. I was complaining and crying while trying to stuff myself a seafood dinner.
I didn’t need your objectivity. Acting on impulse is my default wiring. I felt like you’re outside the door of whatever I was doing, you didn’t get it. I felt sad because I couldn’t tell you that I’m tired of dealing with uncertainties, and your ego made it hard to talk.
Soulmate? I scoffed when he mentioned something along the line.
I wondered how much more I had said when I was hurting in the space of deep, deep fear.
I never know that the fear I’d been containing had such a massive, destructive power when it took control of me.
How could I forget?
From the restaurant to his embrace, tears never stopped flowing, but I felt the emotions shifting from angst and fear to love and guilt.
How could I forget about love? About how he made me feel like home? About wanting to stay by his side through hard times in this lifetime? About all those times he stood by me, never judge me when I braced the unchartered territories again and again?
I could feel in me that love is much bigger than fear, but when fear took hold of me, I directed my tunnel focus on negativity which was like a tiny black spot on a piece of white paper.
When I projected my fear and ego on him, he is and has always been the same person I love.
How could I say those words? How could I forget to love? How could I fix this?
Love is real when it is hard
What I learned on that night is that love is a bridge that needs no fixing.
When we go back the space of love and acceptance, we are whole, complete, and brave. We could overcome anything together.
Maybe ‘soulmate’ is a romantic idealism too good to be true; maybe we could be ‘life mate’ that sail through the voyage in life together, enjoying the beautiful scenery on a good sunny day, sticking together to keep propelling in the stormy weather.
We don’t have to see eye to eye in everything, but we come face to face to solve every problem as a team.
There is warm fuzzy love.
There is uncomfortable you-don’t-get-me love.
There is I-want-to-spend-my-life-with-you love.
There is sorry-please-forgive-me love.
At the end of the day, I was thankful.
So thankful that I found someone who saw me as a person when I was broken into ruins.
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