In the midst of the wedding planning, I found myself in a lot of resistance that often leads to negative emotions.
A close friend told me that the root of my resistance laid in the false expectation that I could have things my way.
I agreed, and a lot of ‘but’ immediately popped into my mind — but… why do I have to follow the rules set by other people? Why do I have to do this? Do that?
I felt that I did not own my story when I had to accept many things that did not make sense to me. It was like working in a big corporation without a voice.
Drowning, struggling to make peace with myself, I noticed that the notion ‘I’ became such a big, demanding, spiteful monster.
What do ‘I’ want? Why do ‘I’ matter?
I found it funny because I know all the theories and yet there would be times when the voice in my head was so deafening that I lost touch with my heart.
In Vipassana meditation, I spent 10 days, close to 100 hours of meditation to learn the principle ‘Anicca’, the law of impermanence.
Everything around me is changing every single moment — why am I attached to what ‘I’ want and let it drive my emotion?
In my life bible, Tao Te Jing, the nature of all things is oneness, the middle way; chaos comes from the duality of right and wrong, want and don’t want, addiction and aversion.
In between what I thought was ridiculous and what was rightful, I was torn in duality and drifted in self-induced suffering.
“The world is filled with people having very little and doing the best they can.” Anthony Bourdain
This quote from Anthony Bourdain made me pause and think — how did I become this self-centred, egoistic person that I couldn’t recognise?
The voice in my head told me that I was lonely because nobody understood my struggles, that I was being suppressed in an institution I couldn’t change, that I should not care because it did not matter.
I was an ungrateful person complaining about my privileged life.
I let my emotion affect the people who love me.
When I had the clarity to write this, I realised that straying off the path enabled me to see the contrast between the stories in my head and the reality surrounding me. It reminded me of how dangerous it is when I let Ego sit in the driver seat.
The world is filled with people having very little and doing the best they can, what am I doing to bring my gift to this world?
This quote brought me back what I need to do and where my focus should be.
It is okay, I told myself.
Between lost and found, life is an act of balancing on a tight rope, always.