I sat alone at the balcony of the chalet right next to a lake studded with lotus plant, smiling like a child while feeling connected to the trees, the chirping birds and the bright blue sky.
Life was simple, blissful, just as it is.
Being aware of my solitude, I thought, if I died right here, right now, nobody knows. Would people care? Who would miss me? What would I have left behind? What would I be remembered of?
I realized that my book is a precious legacy that leaves my small mark.
That moment in a silent meditation retreat, it was clear to me that I wanted to create things that will last and mean something in people’s life.
Why did I feel lost when I was doing a lot?
I declared a ‘lost mode’ before I came to the retreat.
Looking back, I was trapped in the idea that I had to create a masterpiece that defines who I am. When I couldn’t figure out what that should be, I swam harder in panic, believing that every action should take me somewhere — I can’t waste time.
‘Whether to float with the tide, or to swim for a goal. It is a choice we must all make consciously or unconsciously at one time in our lives. But why not float if you have no goal? The answer — and, in a sense, the tragedy of life — is that we seek to understand the goal and not the man. We set up a goal which demands of us certain things: and we do these things.’ — Hunter S. Thompson
Were my goals my own, or simply what I thought I should want?
When our Guru talked about Seva (to be in service for others), I realized that even a tree is more useful than I was. A tree gives us fresh air, fruits, shades and wood after it is dead.
I was the center of the universe in my own mind, stuck in a loop of activities without conscious action.
When I sat still, relaxed, and be aware of the present moment, it was as if the sun, the wind, and the trees could satisfy all my ‘wants’ — my desires vanished.
I was enough.
Being kind to myself is a conscious choice I need to make
In the first 2 days of meditation, I learned where the phrase ‘train of thoughts’ comes from — they were random and non-stop. Our problems start when we hold on to a thought and live life upon it.
Being stripped of connection, gadgets, entertainment, reading and writing, spending my days doing yoga, meditation, eating and walking in nature, I could only observe myself and the surrounding.
Everything I looked at was perfect without interference.
Why was I struggling? Why couldn’t I be kinder to myself?
I finally understood the essence of ‘I am nothing, I want nothing, I do nothing’.
When I ignore myself, there was an empty space where love could come in. I did not want to sit there and smile all day. I wanted to get out there to share, to give, and to bring more people into that space of love.
‘Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.’ ― Nisargadatta Maharaj
Life is never about getting somewhere
I came back from the silent retreat in bliss and lightness.
My fear and worries didn’t go away, but my consciousness expanded so much that I was bigger than the problems.
In silence, I realised that the universe is eternal, my life is timed. It is precious and it is now.
I shifted my focus to what I could create that matters to myself and others, how many lives I touch, how much freedom I have, how present I am in each moment.
Life is about paying attention to all the emotions and processes, experiencing all seasons in totality, and love ourselves while we are going through it.
So, get out! The world is beautiful, adventurous; it is a challenge, it enriches.
While I am here, love more, do more, connect deeper, explore broader. Don’t be tied down by things that are not real, we live in the energy of abundance and creativity.
These are the gifts of life in silence, and I want you to have it too.
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