Have you ever imagined how it feels to find out that you (or your partner) are pregnant?
I thought it is the most beautiful thing in the world — until it caught me off guard.
When I was holding the pregnancy test kit that turned positive in seconds instead of 5 minutes I thought I had, a massive weight piled on me instantly.
I didn't know what to think or feel.
After a recent conversation with my husband about having a baby next year (according to Feng Shui lol) and the immense mental health pressure I felt in the transition of life, I did not expect a baby at this point.
I walked out of the bathroom and broke the news to my husband. As I sat on the sofa embraced in his arms, both of us sank in our own world digesting what this meant to us.
‘I’m scared,’ I said as I hold him tighter, tears started streaming down my face.
At the moment when I was supposed to be the happiest woman on earth, fear was the dominant emotion that masked joy. It was my reality, and I was grateful that I have my husband on my side when I needed him the most.
I felt safe even though I was scared.
‘Hi baby, it’s you,’ I whispered internally when I finally saw my baby weeks later.
Lying on the white bed and froze to my bone in the doctor’s room, I was fighting back tears at the sight of the tiny little dot on the screen. At the mark of 8 weeks, it was the first time I felt truly joyful for the new life developing inside my belly.
It was a magical moment seeing what we ‘suspect’ for real because I had always felt invalidated without a solid proof that there is a baby inside me, despite taking the hit of early pregnancy symptoms that broke me sometimes.
I’ve had a few meltdowns feeling ‘reduced as a human being’ when my body wasn’t the same as before, and I had to manage my self-worth when I couldn’t do what I used to do. It was really hard at the beginning to adapt to this hormone-flushed body that just wasn’t fit and efficient.
When I saw my baby on the screen, I finally have a purpose to endure all physical challenges, to be strong for this little life that is growing day by day.
It’s my story
My mum told me that it’s better not to tell people in the first 3 months of pregnancy because of many things that could go wrong.
I didn’t think it made sense when I couldn’t answer a simple question ‘how are you’ honestly and truthfully — I was not fine most of my waking hours.
After running an event called ‘Forging Inclusivity through Storytelling’, I learned an important lesson to own my pregnancy story. It didn’t matter what people think or say because it is my life and my story that only I have the right to tell.
Being pregnant is my story and I will tell it truthfully. If anything happens to my pregnancy, it will be my story and I will tell it truthfully.
We fear what we do not know, and we will never know if we do not talk about it.
It took me a long time and a lot of morning pages journaling to be able to make peace with the changes in my physical state, emotional being, and the new lifestyle that I need to adapt to.
As much as I cried out of frustration on those really bad days, I had a lot of joy and awe knowing that I am becoming a mother.
Bringing a new life to this world is a magnificent endeavour worth celebrating! It is not just about me, but everyone’s life in this family is going to change when the baby arrives.
I am so grateful to have so much love and my family to share the joy and awe and excitement and longing with.
While some plans need to be changed, who knows, I might be right on track in the big plan that the universe has for me.