How to get lost in life
‘I like this place, I like the people, but what I am doing is not aligned with who I want to be. I tried to adapt and I struggled, I became a negative person that I couldn’t recognised.’
He said, ‘I guess you will leave us very soon.’
Yes, thank you for taking a chance on me.
It was a conversation I had recently, one that set me free from misery.
It started with a vision
When I first met my boss, he told me that they were building a library cum community café, a space where people talk to each other, connect and create amazing things together.
Are you interested to run it?
Yes, I said. I had a beautiful picture of rustic café buzzing with patrons in my head.
Setting up a new café wasn’t hard. We got all equipments in the right place, purchased the right serve wares, ordered the right ingredients, came up with menu, recipe and costing.
Despite doing everything right, I was hit by a moment of truth – I am a café manager who has no experience managing a café.
It daunted on me that I will be stuck in one place, dealing with all nitty gritty matters as long as I was there.
When I opened up to my boss about the misfit, he said, we’ll see.
So I tried to adapt and fit myself into an operation role.
My world split
From a place of having all possibilities in the world, I stumbled upon this café and decided to stay.
The day I told myself to ‘try’, I lost the beautiful vision of community, embarking on a journey of losing myself.
Why am I here? Am I going backwards in life? Where am I going from here? Who will I become?
Should I stay? Should I go? Is it too early to leave before trying? Am I a millennial who couldn’t withstand hardship?
Some people told me that I can’t accomplish big thing if I couldn’t even manage a café. Some asked me to stay and learn new skills.
You are expanding your comfort zone, they said.
What do I say?
For a whole month, my mind was cluttered with battle of opposing thoughts that never leave me alone – right or wrong, should or shouldn’t, yes or no.
It was so noisy that I couldn’t listen to my heart.
I skipped mediation. I struggled to make time for things that matter.
One day, while having dinner and complaining about work to my boyfriend, it struck me hard when he kept quiet and couldn’t look into my eyes.
Feeling hurt and unsupported, I wonder how I got here.
There was a point in life when I had nothing but I was contented.
Now that I have job and security, I couldn’t recognise the person I’ve became.
I’m glad that life is a friend who always has our back.
Amidst losing myself in the world of doubt and duality, I came across a book project.
Knowing that I have no experience in book writing and having full time commitment, that person liked my passion and took a chance on me.
When I started the project, I felt powerful knowing that I’m creating and putting something meaningful into this world.
Most importantly, I feel like myself.
It gave me strength and space to evaluate life – why am I doing what I do?
When what you feel, think and do is aligned, you will feel joy coming from within.
My mind was like blue sky once again the moment I decided to eliminate things that didn’t suit me.
You can try something and be miserable, or you can try something with desire to overcome every obstacle in your way.
The difference between these two is self awareness – what matters to you?
I have tested the extremes to know that desire is not something that we can fabricate.
It is raw, real, unwavering, powerful, clear, and effortless.
It is an enlightening emotion that lifts you up, gives you confidence to believe that everything is possible if you go all out for it.
I believe that all of us come into this world with one purpose – to put ourselves in the right place, so that we can create the best we could, give the most we could, love as much as we could; to be able to love what we have created at the end of life.
It is a process that never ends as long as we allow ourselves to wander.
The question is – are you in the right place now?